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It is a commonly held misconception that we should only have boundaries for people we want to avoid.
Boundaries are present in any healthy relationship (that we want to continue to grow and foster), including the workplace. Resentment is fuelled by people doing things that they don’t want to do and not saying the things they want to say. Setting and respecting boundaries supports each individual's ability to foster their own needs as well as those of others.
PESI gives a solid summary of 6 different kinds of boundaries to consider:
Look, I hate small talk, and I enjoy having real and passionate conversations as soon as I can have them with others.
However, I’ve always found it interesting when a person talks to you straight up about who they voted for in the election. It often comes on with such intensity that they seem to be assuming that you voted the same way as them.
The delivery of the information often also insinuates that the person they voted for is ‘right’.
It’s genuine when you are honest about your views. However, the thing to remind yourself before you jump into sharing your views and judgements is recognising that the person you assume may have conflicting views from you (and that’s okay because we are all entitled to our own views).
A handy tip that comes to mind with intellectual boundaries is doing a knowledge check with other people before potentially telling them about things they already know.
Gentle knowledge check-ins can start with ‘I’m not sure if you have heard of ‘XYZ’ and then see how the person responds before you talk at length about the topic. If the other person does know about the topic and you give them a chance to inform you of that, you’ll have an opportunity to learn, too.
All of us want to be heard, but if it becomes a one-sided conversation, well, that’s not a conversation; it’s a lecture.
This is a tricky one, especially when we often work with our colleagues more than we would with our friends, family, partners, community groups or even ourselves.
We aren't robots, and the workplaces that operate the best are those where colleagues can feel at ease being themselves in a professional space.
On the other hand though, it’s not fair to treat our colleagues as unpaid counsellors. Here are the internal questions I ask myself when I’m trying to be aware of emotional boundaries:
I wish this weren’t something we have to talk about here, but we definitely have to.
I’m not going to give an awkward birds and the bees talk, but frankly, we are sexual beings. And, there is also a time and a space to explore this in whatever way you need to. It’s healthy to have conversations about this element of being alive.
A lot of things are grey in life but I’m gonna call this one as it is. The workplace is not the place where you test out sexual boundaries: from sharing your intimacy preferences to commenting on how great someone looks in a dress and then winking at them when they leave (and anything in between).
Just don’t do it.
I’m in no way a prude, but I feel it’s important to acknowledge that intimacy and sensuality for most people is both sacred and vulnerable on differing levels, but the spectrum for this is wide. Just because it may feel comfy for you, it might not be comfy for the other person.
Editor's Note: If you or someone you know is a victim of sexual harassment in the workplace by either a patient or colleague, report the incident to your manager. You can also confidentially call Nurse and Midwife Support on 1800 667 877. If you are in immediate danger, call 000.
Don’t you love it when you tell a person that you need to wrap up your conversation because your patient next door might be having a heart attack, and the person ignores what you said and just keeps talking about their personal feelings about the last biscuit they ate?
When you are limited in the time you have at work (which each of us is), try to be realistic.
Express this to others when they ask if you can help them, or if they ask you if they can talk. Is it urgent? Can you revisit this later? Do you just have to say no?
Some people need to adopt a more ‘yes’ attitude, but the ones who really suffer are the ones who always say yes but actually need to say no.
I once asked a dear nursing colleague of mine (who is senior now but was a junior at the time) if he could help me with something if he wasn’t busy. He read out about three days' worth of nursing duties he was endeavouring to complete in four hours.
At the end of that breath, he cheerfully said that he could help me. I applauded his work ethic and also told him he should have straight-up said no to me. I then looked for ways to support him with his workload.
When I started working in the ICU, I never let myself take breaks or finish on time because I wanted everything “to get done and be perfect”. It’s just not possible, and you will burn yourself out trying to make it happen.
I had a reality check when another ICU nurse explained that if I didn't start my break on time, her break also started late. It was a good point. How we work decides the team.
The nurse asked me what I needed help with and offered to take over those tasks so I could go on my break. I didn’t want to burden her, so I politely declined and told the Nurse I would go on my break in 5 minutes, just after I made the patient’s bed so I could go on my break with everything done.
When I started to leave the room to go on my break, the patient vomited everywhere.
That's healthcare. Keep your good work ethic, but hand over what you need to. Good leadership means delegating tasks. Stay back if there is an emergency; otherwise, take your breaks and try to finish on time.
I’m a hugger, I love hugs, so I’m always surprised when other people don’t like hugs, even though deep down I appreciate that it’s totally fine that everyone has different preferences with physical touch.
But you know the worst way to find out that someone doesn’t like hugs? Through hugging someone before asking for consent. You’ll feel them shell up like a rescue kitten that has been patted for the first time.
I’ve felt like that when I’ve had someone lean in to kiss me on a date without any warning or even gentle warming up to it. It’s someone greeting you with a jack-in-the-box just as you are waking up; no time to decline or even process what is happening.
Physical boundaries aren't just about touch; they’re also about space. I used to love crowds as a teenager, and now they make my chest feel tight.
Whatever your sensory and physical space preferences are, I’d argue that each person wants to feel autonomous, free, and respected in what feels right for them.
I once had a colleague whom I only met once (not that this is important here) say that he was ‘stickybeaking through my work belongings’ (his words, not mine, by the way).
On this occasion, stickybeaking meant rifling through my workspace's drawers and cabinets and then giving personal opinions about what they found in their treasure hunt. That's not okay.
Remember in primary school when the teacher taught you to ask other people before grabbing their pencil? The same thing applies here, but this time, patient prescriptions were involved.
One thing I’d also like to note here, which is pivotal to health professionals, is the incredibly important need to be sensitive and professional when working with medical records pertaining to staff members.
I’ve seen it happen too many times: Staff members will look up records of other health professionals out of curiosity and then talk about it casually at work. This is not okay, not your business, and completely unprofessional. Put yourself in the other person’s shoes.
To start with, I feel it's helpful to tell a person why you are setting a boundary before it even gets pushed, so they can understand why it is there.
However, from there, most people will still unintentionally or intentionally push against other people's boundaries at some point. After all, each of us has our own agenda of what needs we want to be met.
If someone pushes against your boundary, remind them again of the boundary. Yes, it’s awkward, but it’s important.
Remember that setting boundaries might be met with confrontation. However, we can still set our boundaries and reinforce them while maintaining compassion for the other person (acknowledging their feelings, wants, and needs).
Each of us has different sets of values. Sometimes we will even have very different values competing internally. For example, I value being authentic and genuine. I also value maintaining positive relationships and kindness. It’s a constant balancing act.
We can’t assume all the responsibilities of knowing what a boundary is for another person when they have not let us know what they need. None of us are mind readers, and we are doing the best we can.
I often hear people say, “So-and-so crossed a boundary with me,” but it’s not clear whether that person actually set any kind of boundary with so-and-so to start with.
How can someone know if they have crossed a boundary when they didn't even know it was there? It is our responsibility to set our own personal boundaries and communicate what those are.
Of course, many people do not feel confident in setting boundaries, and that’s because they can be tough conversations. Most people don’t want to hurt the feelings of others by having such discussions.
If you are unsure what a boundary is for a particular person, then gently ask them things like:
Our approach to such questions needs to be so that the other person does not feel pressured to respond in a certain way.
Therefore, it’s key to think about the verbal and non-verbal communication you use, the person as an individual and the setting.
Some conversations and approaches may be okay during one situation but less so in a group. One particular conversation or action might not be problematic with an intimate partner in the privacy of your own home but not at the workplace.
Reading the room isn’t always easy, and all we can do is ask the questions, stay present, and treat each interaction as its own.
We will all misstep from time to time with boundaries (and a million other things); that’s called being human. It takes two to tango to work on a relationship: telling each other how you both feel, figuring out where the communication broke down, and identifying each person's triggers.
This can only be achieved through each person digging deep for compassion and curiosity, listening to each other and taking accountability for each individual's actions. Conflict is inevitable in any close relationship, and most people really don’t enjoy it.
However, all conflicts can be resolved. That resolution is found through the ‘repair work’, which plain and simply is having an open conversation after the dust has settled, where we can try to better understand the other person, regardless of our unique differences.
Who wrote this Guide?
Rasa Kabaila is a Nurse Practitioner specialising in mental health. Her approach is innovative, holistic, individualised, and evidence-based, with a strong focus on recovery-oriented care. Deeply empathetic and passionate about helping others, Rasa began her healthcare career as a personal care worker at just sixteen.
She has successfully implemented research-backed clinical therapies for optimising the treatment of anxiety and depression, including pet therapy. Beyond her clinical work, Rasa has volunteered on nursing expeditions overseas and completed Ashtanga Yoga training in Mysore, India.
Rasa is also a Conjoint Lecturer with UNSW Rural Medical School and has been an academic tutor for undergraduate nurses and paramedics at the Australian Catholic University and the University of Canberra.
Her first book, Put Some Concrete in Your Breakfast: Tales from Contemporary Nursing, was published by Springer Nature in March 2023 and has since been read by over 17,000 readers. It has also been widely promoted across journals, magazines, and news channels.
For more about Rasa’s work, visit her practice website at Broadleaf HNP Services or explore her book, Put Some Concrete in Your Breakfast: Tales from Contemporary Nursing, featured on ABC News, available on Amazon and Goodreads.
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